Acceptance

Listen,

I'll never be
It.
I'll never be
In.
I'll never be
Good.
I'll never be
Cool.
I'll never be
Beautiful.
I'll never be
Fun.
I'll never be
Smart.
I'll never be
Loved.
I'll never be
Clever.

Never.

Just plain,
Just ordinary,
Just unworthy,
Just hopeless,
Just small.

Nothing else.
That's all.

To AJ

You made me stronger

Than I ever thought I'd be.

You made me a warrior, 

A nurturer and a jester.

- When tears in your eyes I see -   

You gave me a child's heart again,

Your smile makes me forget every pain.

You made me the person 

I was always meant to be.

You gave me a new name,

More precious than any other,

You named me "Mother".

The Woman Who Comes at Dawn

It’s 5am.

I know as soon as I hear the metallic, electrical sound of the rooster ringing progressively louder from my wife’s cell phone alarm. It’s her idea of a funny way to wake up, my idea of the most irritating sound on the planet. We’ve had our share of arguments over it in our three years of marriage, but she refuses to change it.

Without opening my eyes I feel her stretch next to me, reach for the cell phone on the night table and finally turn off the epileptic rooster. She gives out a little moan as she sits up. Her feet shuffle around on the floor looking for her slippers. Finally, putting them on, she steps out of bed. During the entire process she makes the bed move so much, it reminds me of how it quakes when she’s having an orgasm. As always, she leaves the room without turning on the light.

It’s not immediately after that that it happens. It usually takes about two or three minutes to occur. Almost as if to make sure my wife’s really gone. To make sure she’s really in the shower, with the sound of the running water blocking everything else out. It’s only then that the soft, low sound of a cat purring startles me, and I see her.

She’s standing in the right hand corner of the room, next to the window, directly across from me. It’s hard to make out all her features at first, but I know she’s completely nude. As soon as my vision focuses, I confirm it.

Like every day for the past three weeks, she’s here. Her long black hair curling over her small, well rounded breasts; just above the pink nipple. Her body is lean and tight, her stomach flat, and a few inches below the navel the small mound of matted pubic hair almost glistens. Whereas my wife’s eyes are just plain brown, hers are a deep turquoise blue-green.

She lurks in the corner for a moment, the light from outside the window falling over her face. Stealthily, the woman begins to move towards me.

I’m paralyzed. Unable to move a finger, all I can do is stare into her turquoise eyes as she approaches me, slowly. Just stare and feel myself grow hard.

“Why do you always come like this?” I think to myself, the same way I have every day for the past three weeks.

“You don’t really want to fight it”, her voice is in my head, smooth and soothing.

Wearing only a t-shirt and boxers to sleep, I can now feel myself poking out through the unbuttoned opening of my shorts and pressing against the covers. Now, the woman is right next to me and with a swift movement she removes the sheets and straddles my body. I’m plunged deep inside her. There’s no resistance. She’s right I didn’t really want to fight it. 

I lay there, honestly reveling in the sensation as she moves up and down on me. Every time this happens, it’s like something I’ve never experienced before. I mean, sex with my wife is good but she never made me feel like this. I feel this woman with all of me, like I’m completely inside her head to toe, warm and wet.

The woman looks into my eyes the whole time, looking deep into me. Her hair falls softly down the sides of her face, her breasts move forward and back slowly, almost touching her chin. Yet, her eyes are all I can truly focus my vision on. They make me feel suddenly vulnerable, like a child.  She nods slightly, and instinctively my mouth seeks her breast. I take the nipple into my mouth and suck. Milk flows over my tongue down my throat. It tastes salty and watered down but I can’t seem to get enough.

Trapped by her blue-green gaze, I suck and suck the milk from her breast. Her expression never changes, though. A barely there Monalisa smile remains on her face. Then, her smooth, soothing voice is in my head.

“Soon now”, she whispers, and with that, she pulls her nipple out of my mouth, a few drops of the milk falling on my chin, and I unload, almost painfully, inside her.

I hear the door knob turn and the door squeak a little as my wife opens it. Just as suddenly as she came, the woman is gone. My wife steps into the room wrapped in a towel, drying off her hair. She looks down and notices I’m awake. She flashes a big smile, showing all her teeth. 

“Time to get up”, my wife says.

I grunt, pull the covers over my head and turn my back to her. I feel her sit on the bed and continue toweling off the water from her hair. Outside the sun is spreading its light over the night’s darkness, and at the corner of the window a black cat curls its tail and wonders off.

For the One Inside

I can't see you yet;
I can't hear you.

The thought of you is
- A seed planted in my heart -
Small and deep.

I can't see you yet;
I can't hear you
But I know you're there.

- A tiny flutter,
Just a heart beat -

I can't hear you; 
I can't see you yet
But I know you're there.

Soon I'll hold you,
(Though never as closely as now)
Soon you'll hold me

And you'll be mine
- For a moment -
And I'll be yours
- Forever.

August 22, 2013

 

For our 4 year anniversary.

Misplaced

Where is it?
It's not in my pocket.

Not under the bed.

Where did it run off to?

(Have you seen my happiness?)

Where did it go?

Not stuffed in my bra,
Not deep in my bag.

It seems that just yesterday
I had it at hand.

I must have lost it,
Misplaced it.

It's gone.

Now, I don't know
If it will
Return.

Self Comfort

Think of beauty
Not of pain.
Think that in time
Flowers will bloom again.

Think of lessons
Not of hurt.
Now, when you see it
You won't stumble on that stone.

(Life is fleeting and
The world is changing.
Think of this
When your heart is aching.)

Fear nothing
Because nothing lasts.

Embrace it all,
It will all soon pass.

Where's Bliss?

My heart, is there nothing true?
Thinking and scheming,
All this knowledge makes me cruel.

Nowhere

A misfit
- Everywhere -
Ugly and blue.

An invisible wallflower
- Everywhere -
You didn't see me, too.

(Always
Intimidated by life,
Still
Inexplicably afraid of the dark,
Forever
A little girl with a damaged heart.)

There is no safe haven,
No warm shelter from this cold.
- Nowhere -
That's where I call home.

Having a heart

Life on earth

Money
Power
Beauty
Intelligence

If you have at least one of those you can make it in this world. If you lack all of them most likely you'll die alone and forgotten... So if you have one or more of those make the most of it and if you don't, try to get one to make it in this life because most likely, it's the only one you'll have in this world.

(Or maybe love could save your existence. Hatred surely won't)

A reflection

And an apology / Y una disculpa.

"Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so expensive that nobody cares for them. Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort would lead only to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely to ever know any more than you do now, which is very little."

/

"Ben, eres imposible. Tus opiniones son como una cachetada para quien difiera contigo. Tan es así, que ya a nadie interesan tus opiniones. Tus amigos van descubriendo que lo pasan mejor cuando no estás con ellos. Sabes tanto, que nadie te puede decir nada. Por cierto que nadie va a intentarlo siquiera, porque ese esfuerzo sólo le produciría incomodidades y trabajos. Por tal razón, es probable que jamás llegues a saber más de lo que sabes ahora, que es muy poco."

------------------

And so, I apologize to my friends, I apologize to you / Y entonces, me disculpo con mis amigos, me disculpo contigo.

Little Girl

She followed me to this distant land
Resting of my fingertips,
In the palm of my hand.

- The mountains,
The sea,
The breeze,
Those comformting kisses -

While I broke free,
While I forgot.

Now she realeases herself,
Though slowly,
I see her wings begin to spread
Before me.

In the cool darkness everything will be alright

All the pretty colors
- Spots, lines, swirls -
Coming and going
Coming and going
Gone.

Blur - blur - blurry
Throb - throb - throbbing

Crippling blow
- After
Crippling blow
After -

Right, right, right
Always to the right

Head
Face
Neck
Shoulder

No sight
No sound
No smell

- No, please, no -

Despite all my rage

Stuck
Stale air
Stagnet water
- Trapped -

The walls have closed in
A rat in a race
- In a never ending maze -

I volunteered my own dimise
Willfully sold my soul,
I knew there was no talent to waste.

Count my blessings and end this.

Of what use is this rind
Unwanted, uninvited, not needed
Unwelcome
Consuming
Unnerving
Revolting

A let down
Always a disappointment

Finish it
Finish it off!

Burn it and scatter it to the wind!

Let it be lost
And no more hurt.

Thought Criminal

The pain in my head
Won't let me rest.
The noise in my head
Won't quiet!

- Tired and shaking -

How to smile
When oppressed?

The caged bird may sing, yet
Does it bear
The beady eyes glaring?
Does it succumb
To the looking over it's shoulder,
To the paranoia,
The insatisfaction,
Discontent?

Singing alone won't calm.
Shouting may comfort.
But what when
The fighting Spirit is beat down?

The throbbing itchy ulcer
Must be removed.
The gnawing tick
Picked off and burned.

Or more effectively
To the beast that demands
Such attentions
All backs must be turned!

DWBB

u2 - Una vez más.

Si todo sale bien, el próximo año estare de nuevo en el estadio Azteca viendo y escuchando a u2. La vez anterior fue hace unos 5 años para el Vertigo Tour. En el primer concierto el cual todavía recuerdo como un sueño cumplido (por pequeño que parezca) y una de las mejores noches de mi vida, acompañado de un amigo (y sus amigos), nosotros y unos 90,000 fanaticos más cantamos, escuchamos y vibramos por unas dos horas escuchando a la mejor banda de rock del mundo (a nuestro ver). Antes que ellos por supuesto, los teloneros que fueron "The Secret Machines" y aunque al principio no estábamos muy con ellos porque no los conocíamos, para cuando terminaron su set "¡Somos... las Máquinas Secretas...!" quedamos muy satisfechos y puedo decir que hasta ahora me encanta su música. Pasando nuevamente a u2, no recordaba bien el set (que creo fue también inmejorable) pero parece que ya lo he hallado y sí, me parece que sí es... con todo y Miss Sarajevo y Bono cantando la parte que le toca a Pavarotti y el "Cielito Lindo" y un momento en que Bono se disculpó por no haber regresado antes (gracias a "zedillito" que logró enfurecer tanto a la banda como para que no regresaran en tantos años....) Una noche con emoción más intensa que esa, creo que recuerdo únicamente la de nuestra boda... Y eso es decir mucho. Y como igual se dice desde hace mucho que recordar es volver a vivir, aquí recuerdo lo que esa noche escuchamos...

City Of Blinding Lights
Vertigo
Elevation
Mysterious Ways
Until The End Of The World
New Year's Day
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Beautiful Day (Cielito Lindo)
Norwegian Wood / Original Of The Species
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own
Love And Peace Or Else
Sunday Bloody Sunday / Bullet The Blue Sky (When Johnny Comes Marching Home Again) / The Hands That Built America
Miss Sarajevo
Pride [In The Name Of Love]
Where The Streets Have No Name
One (Unchained Melody)

--- Encore ---
Zoo Station
The Fly
With Or Without You
All Because Of You
Yahweh
"40"

---------------------------------------------

Ese concierto no hubiera sido posible para mi ni mi amigo (y sus amigos) sin la ayuda de Miriam S. Eriksen, la cual por el momento al parecer no está disponible...

Como decía antes, si todo sale bien...

En aquella ocasión, logré el boleto más caro disponible y considero que un inmejorable lugar. Esta vez, el lugar no será tan bueno pero espero no decepcione. Antes que nada, espero poder lograrlo nuevamente, esta vez en compañía de alguien muy especial en mi vida.

Con un poco más de buena suerte...

Drip

Sun rises, rain falls

The clouds form and shift again

My heart divides

11:59

Tic
Returning

Toc
Burst through the bubble

Tic-Toc
Hello again

(Outside World)

Tic-Toc-Tic
It's been a while

Tic-Toc-Tic-Toc
It just won't stop

(All this is fleeding)

Tic-Toc-Tic-Toc
Slipped through my fingers

Lost, subdued, conforming
Quick shake and now
Fastly awoken

(Not soon enough)

Tic-Toc-Tic-Toc
Won't stop its racing

And always

Hours in your arms

Days on your lips

A year trapped in your heart

- Forever -

My safe haven has been your strength, dear.

My madness, our passion

Your laughter, the tears

The first three hundred and sixty five

- Forever -

My comfort has been your patience, sweet.

Knowning completeness and still expectant

Fulfilled and yearning yet for more

The next one hundred

- Forever -

My true wisdom has been our love.